Lately I have been hearing more accusations than usual about gaslighting making me wonder if people really understand the term.
The term comes from a play of that name created in 1938 that was made into a film starring Ingrid Bergman in 1944 (it also starred a young and sassy Angela Lansbury). The husband psychologically manipulates his wife to the point that she starts doubting her own sanity. She thought the gaslights were dimming and that there were strange noises in the house. He convinced her that she was imagining it all. What he gets out of this psychological manipulation is the important part of this term.
What many people say is that they are victims of ‘gaslighting’ when the other person disagrees with them and is trying to push their point of view onto them.
The point of gaslighting, however, is to create doubt and confusion in the mind of the victim so they depend on the perpetrator rather than trust themselves. This can come from
- trivialising feelings (eg ‘you’re overreacting’ or ‘too sensitive’).
- blaming bad behaviour on someone else (eg ‘you do this all the time too’ or ‘this is the way that everyone does it’).
- challenging the source of the information (eg ‘you can’t believe everything you see on TV’).
- questioning memories (eg ‘that’s not what I said, your memory is terrible’, ‘you used to agree with me, why are you changing your mind now?’ or ‘you always twist my words’).
- stereotyping (eg ‘women are not good at remembering details’).
The aim is to cause enough confusion and concern that the victim is less likely to notice the perpetrator’s behaviour and gives the perpetrator the upper hand in the disagreement thereby giving them more power and control.
There are lots of things you can do if you suspect you are a victim of gaslighting, including journalling so you can later check your memory against a record made at the time; and speaking to a therapist (counsellor or psychologist) for support.
Another thing you can do is to challenge the gaslighting without getting sucked into who is wrong or right, eg ‘maybe I did say you don’t need to help around the house in the past, however right now I would like your help.’ Or ‘you may think I am overreacting, but this is important to me and I would like you to respect that.’
At Communikeys, I teach parents how to use tools like this to speak to each other and/or their children so that they can have stronger, happier relationships. For more information, contact me at ros@communikeys.com.au.